I Got Over The Jews

Update: April 30/08

My blog seems so depressing. Bad stuff always seems to happen to me and it kinda makes me look like a loser. Still, I consider this all a spiritual challenge and journey, so take it for what you will.

I did get that job, with Israelis, with fellow Jews. Last week. Who were humane, unlike my previous employers. I serendipitously got Shabbat off. They even told me yesterday what a rare gem I was as an employee. And then told me I was losing my job. They are closing the store. They've been looking for a buyer for several months. They did not tell me that in the interview, and now want to spin it as if they crunched numbers only this weekend and came to that decision. They refuse to acknowledge that they should have told me upfront in the interview (which is what I stated). I got played. Because of the timeline, and the state of my savings, I find myself on the precipice of welfare again.

This is the extent of their awareness: one owner told me that, yeah, it was not great for me, but he was sure I understood that is was far worse for them. I kept my mouth shut. He's been harping on that, trying to garner sympathy, actually, trying to relieve his guilt (how pathetic that the fact that he has the decency to feel guilty elevates him in my books). I know he would be argumentative trying to justify their bad judgment. But inside, I'm going, yeah, it's so hard for you, you took a risk and you have no head for business and dabbled, and you lost but you still have a job as a prof at the university, a home and family, while you just deprived me of my livelihood. Yet, I cannot say this.

This is my first close up encounter with secular Israelis in the diaspora. I have seen their liveliness and warmth when Israeli buds hang out in the shop. They know I'm a Jew. It's clear that they feel no such connection with fellow Jews. None. Thanks to the fundamentalist freaks that overshadow Israel for that. It is so sad.

I'm still in shock. Working out my week, and working out the clearance sale because I need the bucks. Wondering what G-d's purpose was in throwing me into this. Said owner is afraid that I will hold a grudge. I don't, though I am still pissed. Actually, I feel kinda sad when I am not feeling sorry for myself. Sad that they are so disconnected from their Jewishness, and sad that they don't get how their actions affect me; sad that they are, indeed, strangers in a strange land. It's like G-d wants to teach me the lesson of compassion through poverty. I just want to say, enough already!

But I also feel the love of fellow Jews. A huge shout out and scads of gratitude to eliyahu, to Shira, for leaving such support. To Norman who keeps me going in a rare email (after all, he's a hermit :)). To the stranger (DM) who left a tip in my tipjar. I never realised how much you all keep me going and assuage my rather painful and disappointing encounters with other Jews.

It will be interesting to see what happens next.


April 9/08

Hey, it's been a while.

I had to quit my job (not unhappily) cleaning houses, because of allergies and "hyperreactive airways". I haven't applied for unemployment insurance because I've become skittish of any government "program". I'm not saying it's bad, just that it's an ordeal to jump through the hoops. Been there, done that.

I have a lot to say about my latest wrangling and understanding of G-d, but given my ongoing financial situation, that telling hasn't been uppermost in my mind.

I went for a job interview today, thanks to the job counsellor at Jewish Family Services. No big deal, except for me the big deal is that they were Israelis. I mentioned JFS in my cover letter. With names like Ronit and Noa and Rafi, they were kinda self-evident. I imagined that they were secular. I was not wrong.

I think I've been sucked in by tales of Jews who help other Jews. Today I got over that. Where I live....one Jew helping another...well, you never know. I got over the Jews. In the sense, that, you keep trying, but you just never know. Community? My %&#.

Even so, I long endlessly for it. For the faith.